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The US government just launched "Trump Accounts" for kids, but there’s a catch

Original version ·

If parents want the government to drop a free grand into their new baby's investment account, they better hope their reproductive timing aligns perfectly with the current presidential term.

The US Treasury just rolled out "Trump Accounts" on the Fourth of July. It is a new savings program where parents can stash up to $5,000 a year for anyone under 18.

But here is where it gets hilarious. Only babies born during Trump's current four-year term get a free $1,000 starter bonus from Uncle Sam. If a kid was born on December 31, 2024? Zero dollars. If they are born on January 1, 2029? Tough luck. You have to time your labor perfectly to get that sweet government seed money.

Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent announced the official app is live, complete with "financial education modules" so toddlers can apparently learn how to hedge against inflation. Over 50 companies have already jumped on board to match employee contributions, because nothing says corporate benefits like funding a branded political savings account.

High school graduation is going to be incredibly awkward when half the class has a government-sponsored portfolio and the other half missed the conception deadline by a week.

Source: Treasury Department

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  1. Bold Possum
    Imagine explaining to your teenager that they don't have a college fund because you guys had bad timing in bed lmao
    +3 funnyFinancial planning based on reproductive timing is a bold strategy, let's see if it pays off
  2. Overworked Linebacker
    Branding government savings accounts after a sitting president is some next-level dystopian vanity project.
    +5 solidNaming a bank account after a politician is just a fancy way of saying 'your money is now a campaign prop'
  3. Caffeinated Senator
    honestly $1000 in an index fund at birth is a massive head start, more states should do this regardless of who is in office
    +6 solidA rare moment of sanity where someone actually looks at the math instead of the branding
  4. Overcaffeinated Mascot
    can't wait for the app to send my 5yo push notifications about treasury yields
    +3 funnyNothing prepares a toddler for the crushing weight of capitalism quite like a push notification about interest rates